2010

"Butterflies can fly because they take themselves lightly" 

Still my favorite quote since I was 19. Still trying to become like one, 

I just wanted to recap on 2010. If you know me well you know I am sincere and genuine and love love being a good friend. One of my resolutions this year for 2011 is to not worry so much about helping my friends out and to put all of the energy I usually put towards my friends into my family. I sort of feel like I got bit in the ass by some friendship bug. I had 3 major life changes in regards to friends this last year. One friend a few of you know about, we were inseparable throughout grade school and lost touch in jr high never really talked again until 2009.  When we rekindled our friendship it was like grade school again. it actually makes me cry just writing that. Kenneth and I went out of our way several times to be there for this friend. Kenneth warned me in the beginning that I shouldn't put so much effort and love into her because he knew her personality in high school. He cringed every time i talked him into going over to her house and hanging out. But he did it for me. He didn't like her at all and it drove him crazy how innocent i thought she was.  I wont go into detail about the damages she caused to me with her lies and deceit but what she did to me you would think I would immediately throw my friendship guard up from then on out. Oh no no not me.. I just think the world of everyone and assume everyone is good and will appreciate who I am. I really don't want to talk about the other 2 friends I lost. It hurts too much to think about it.. writing it down just brings me to tears. I feel I must get it out though. Another friend was a friend I met thru fb via mutual friends. We didn't really become friends in person until later 2010. When we did become friends it was fast and It was like a roller coaster ride. I can't believe one person can be so up and down with friendship. Loved her to death but after being told AGAIN that she needed a break from me and my family because she couldn't juggle us was like a knife stabbing my heart over and over. It was like REALLY? You can just decide at the drop of a hat when to end and start our friendship because YOU need a break or you just cant handle life so you're going to take a step back AGAIN from me? UGH It hurt me the first time and I cried about it like someone had broke up with me and it hurt far worse this last time. I'm not one to give up on being a friend to someone but I honestly cannot mentally handle someone being in control of when she can handle being friends with me one minute but literally the next minute can shut me off like a light! It's not fair. I did nothing wrong. This last time was provoked by a christmas party we were going to have.  A few days before I told her I had plans with some old friends for Dinner and she was welcome to join us for dinner and maybe we should just move the party to another day since her presents weren't ready and another friends presents weren't ready..
She was upset by this so i suggested after dinner we could all still get together but she was already upset that I threw in dinner with old friends and I guess it ruined EVERYTHING! WOW nobody's presents were ready anyway! YOUR presents weren't ready! What was the point of having a christmas present exchange if nobody's presents were ready?? I didn't even get the chance to suggest having the get together after christmas when everything and everyone was settled down  cuz this somehow turned into a huge ordeal and I was told she needed a break and couldn't deal with this. wtf? I didn't want to do this but I had to. I couldn't handle her ups and downs anymore. I tried and it was emotionally draining on me and my family. I spent hours moping about her the last time this had happened. It drove kenneth crazy. It's all lack of communication. Unfortunately it ended into a lost friendship. I may never understand her reasons for treating our friendship like her own personal light switch but I do hope for the best for her and her daughter. It still makes me cry everyday. I hate losing great friends. She was a great friend to me but I guess i'm weak when it comes to some peoples ways of dealing with life. Never a regret though. I learned alot through my own words to her. Take care of number 1. I definitely lack in taking care of myself. I put everyone first. It's cuz I know I can deal with it. I've dealt with a lot of craziness in my life and i've been in situations where choices were taken from me and I had to come to terms with who i am.
Cant believe i'm going to say this to the world but It's no secret I was in the crazy house lol. 2003 I was,  no joke, well it's funny to think of it now but at the time I was having some serious mental issues with the very fact that I give someone my all and they dont seem to care. I wore myself out mentally caring for people and not putting myself first. I was so wore out from it I actually wanted to end my life because I felt so worthless. All I could think was why? why do I care so much and nobody seems to care back? Being in this place definitely made me realize I wasn't as crazy as other people! It was sad, there were alot of school teachers in that joint and people that actually attempted suicide. I just had really serious thoughts. I learned alot about myself while i was there though and I learned some boundaries. However I still have not learned to be cautious in the "here you go, need a hand? how about all my hands, take them! friend department". I wouldn't trade the friends I have for anything. Once in while I just run into someone that I give too much friendship too and it back fires in my face. I guess I just feel those people need an extra dose of me but end up not being able to handle it. 3rd friend... Rollercoaster for sure. Current status unknown and confused. Being super careful with this one. K so you all know I use to be crazy... use? yeah for sure USE to be. I'm a very passionate person and I love pleasing people. I love making people happy and It is my resolution for 2011 to put all my passion to my husband and girls. In my 31 years of making and losing friends.. losing 3 friends in that time frame doesn't seem so bad.. even though it was all in one year.
Cheers to 2011 and Cheers to all of you!